started an antidepressant for the first time and this is where i am going to log how i feel on it:

3/9

was talking to my cool coworker and discovered we are both on lexapro. twins<3 but then an olderish faculty member (who is teaching a tai chi class right now) overheard us and went "come on let's go make some natural serotonin" and it made me feel strange. this woman very much gives the vibes of like "you're not depressed you just need to do drink water". like girl what.

the other day i was texting my brother and was like "nov-jan my mental health was in the toilet. but now i've been on meds for a bit and they really help!" and he was like "well be careful with those", and while i can understand some of that, i still don't entirely get it. like do you think i didn't have to like go through a process of getting prescribed these by my doctors recommendation and i just thought it would be fun to just take medication? idk. remembering that i don't live in a bubble and certain stigmas are still very real.

2/21

who would’ve thought that when your brain doesn’t make certain chemicals your whole life and you just assume it will always be like this and then you actually have the chemical in your brain and it’s like. wait people are just like this ALL THE TIME? or most of the time?? and then in some capacity you feel a lot of grief for your younger self and all the ways they felt so alone in their brain and that it didn’t have to go on that way for so long. but they are so strong and got through it anyway. feeling a lot of gratitude for that kid. i know it has only been a few weeks so i still feel the need to be cautious with it, but i feel

optimistic.

2/16

maybe it was just this weekend but i truly had like not much motivation to do anything. i also slept like 12 hours saturday night which was crazy. feeling similarly tired today.

update i was actually just getting sick i dont think it was le med.

2/12

been one full week! i think the lexapro is lexaproing?? been less spirally about my anxiety, and physical anxiety creeps up only occasionally. not lasting the whole day like it has been. monday pinball i felt the most present and like myself i have in a while. alone time has felt good and restful. sleep is still weird, but mostly fine if i time taking my meds right. worried i may be getting some slight GI issues, but it’s not super drastic thankfully. less horny than before, but i’m sort of in a “i don’t need/want to have sex” era of my life rn anyway. overall feeling good! hope this keeps up

2/9

feeling the most normal physically than i have in days which is awesome! actually slept decently through the night and haven’t felt super nauseous. was insanely groggy when i woke up though. it was hard to get out of bed, but not harder than normal.

mood wise i’ve felt good i think? i am hesitant to say anything crazy drastic has changed because it hasn’t even been a week yet. so i’m unsure if this is the medicine or just coincidence, but my self deprecating thoughts have really calmed themselves down. which is huge for me. i still have some mild anxiety but it hasn’t seem to spiral into anything bigger than it’s needed to be. been feeling some physical anxiety a bit today, but that’s probably because i’ve been on my phone most of the morning. so far so good i would say!

2/8

nausea and insomnia getting slightly better. went to bed at 8pm last night (lol) and was pretty much asleep the whole time until like 3:30. had a 4am snack to help combat some nausea and that helped. i hope this means the side effects will improve over time. they should make an antidepressant that doesn’t have the most evil side effects.

2/7

more insomnia and nausea. already so ready to call it quits but i feel like i must persist, but unfortunately i do miss eating and sleeping lol.

mood wise im actually feeling pretty good? feeling some physical anxiety but it isn’t compounding with spirally thoughts. i need to play around with when i take the med with my other anxiety med i am on to see if i can find a better balance. been able to eat more throughout the morning despite dry heaving when i woke up</3

2/6

took my first dose last night and ended up having some insomnia mixed with massive amounts of anxiety. woke up feeling nauseous.