~journally space~

april.21.2026

i know that it's bad for me but it always feels like the times of my life i drink the most caffeine are the most fun... actually that is completely untrue but this time it feels more fun. yk what i mean?

april.20.2026

happy monday happy four twenty happy almost taurus szn

busy weekend again. trying to find a better balance in my life of doing things that make me happy, doing things i have to do, and doing things that are self care. sometimes the venn diagram crosses all three of those. that is always the best. i find balance very valuable.

love in the air for ami. didn't think it would happen like this, but i am welcoming it with open arms. what did charli xcx say, fall in love again and again? yeah. how beautiful. i enjoy taking my time with this, basking in her light.

no pimble tn for me. gonna try and do yoga and rock climbing with a new friend. feeling the urge to take care of my body through movement. never thought i'd see the day!

take care cuties!! xoxxoxoxo

april.17.2026

yesterday i went on a long stoner walk around t grove park and i journaled and felt the sun on my skin. i love this time of year, the absolute vibrancy of the green all around us. the sound of wind going through leaves rather than cutting through my skin. i love tower grove park i loved to put my headphones on and listen to music and just observe. i saw a man doing his afternoon prayers. people biking and walking their very happy dogs. a young couple walking slowly arm in arm. i journaled and practiced gratitude. i am reminded that love exists everywhere.

got home and threw in a frozen pizza and showered. watched the season finale of the pitt and cried.

today i will sit at my little desk and read my comics and maybe do some work sometimes. excited for the weekend :)

grateful for you! love you!

april.13.2026

had a beautiful weekend saw so many people i love and got to be outside and that's all i could really ask for.

also i have a crush and it is reciprocated but the timing is bad so we're just letting it cook for a while. manifest for me that it can become a fine stew in due time.

i love people i love being around my loved ones it makes me feel so alive. we're so back guys.

xoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

april.9.2026

been feeling fatigued and sad this week but i think it's mostly because i am on my period and i've also forgotten to do my t shot. took a 2.5 hr nap yday then went to see indigo de souza which was soooo good i love her and love seeing her live. i actually ended up running into a friend who was able to drive me home which i felt extremely lucky and grateful for.

indigo writes music in a way that always speaks to whatever i am feeling in my current moment in life. she has a song called be like the water which is largely about embracing change and knowing that change is constant and it's okay to change your life and mind over and over again. this resonates with me rn. this year for me has been one of trying to embrace change as a natural part of life. it is still so scary and overwhelming, but it's also comforting to know that time will always move forward. it feels scary right now, but it won't always be that way. idk. brain fog today.

gender gender gender gender gender gender. it is shifting for me again. returning home to the fact that i am more masculine of center than i let myself acknowledge. but i am also trying to find the words to describe what that means for me. maybe my gender can also be water.

also autism autism autism autism. been feeling upset at myself for misinterpreting a friendship and it's closeness that is resulting in that person needing space from said friendship. i am glad they communicated this and i know this does not mean the end of the relationship. once again change and things shifting can be hard. water waterwater water.

been reading a lot which has been wonderful. sad book rn so maybe that has also been contributing to my mood but i will not stop bc it's too good and being sad is good too. gonna see friends tn and climb rocks and i am thrilled by the prospect.

take care of yourselves, cuties!

april.2.2026

shaved my face for the first time last night! felt awesome and euphoric even though i was lowkey not looking forward to the task. now instead of "ugh i have to worry about shaving now" it's "omg i GET to shave now" a labor of love. yay trans milestones!

feeling good at my job! it has officially been one month. getting into a groove. being silly with my coworkers and drinking free coffee. also doing some actual work. knee deep in excel and i don't mind it. everyone is very nice and apparently i am quite helpful, which feels good.

yday for april fools one of the guys on my floor periodically was decorating my desk with funny little trinkets. jokes on him because i will be keeping them up bc they are very silly and my desk needs some pizzaz anyway. you can't out whimsy me.

been fighting a bit of a cold this week but i think i may be on the up and up? fingers crossed because i so badly want to be be out this weekend for wynnellie birthday outing! everyone must see me in my cunty dress! trying to embrace a flirty spirit, so who's tryna kiss? please let me know directly because i have the kind of autism that makes it hard to tell when people are interested in me.

k thx bye love you MWAH

march.25.2026

been spending time alone and doing things for my spirit this week. cooked dinner two days in a row, watched a movie monday, finished a book yday, yoga class yday, made art on sunday. things that feel very basic but i am doing with intention.

today i plan to take a long walk this evening and call my friend to complain about things on my mind.

getting started with school process! scary but will be worth it. feels easiest this time around then any other attempt i've had. helps that i work at the place i will be taking classes at and so i'm surrounded by supportive people who know how everything works. and also i get to do it for me this time, not because i feel like i "have to".

march.16.2026

first day of spring break at the college. looking forward to having nothing to do and sitting at my desk all day. hooray! also, snow? what the hell? catch me later this week when we're back in the warm.

i am about to talk about things related to bodies/body image. feel free not to read if you don't wanna hear about that<3

the past few days have been cap stoned by becoming more in tuned with my physical body. thursday i was able to verbalize through a convo with a friend that, since being on testosterone, i feel like i am able to better exist outside of my head all the time. i feel more present and in tune with myself and the world around me. maybe that is a combo of no longer feeling dissociated from myself due to the fact that i don't live with my parents anymore and just general getting older. however, i think hormones and seeing my body look how in a way that aligns more with how i feel makes a big difference. i am less afraid to use my body, to see it, to feel what it is like to exist in it.

friday i went rock climbing with a really awesome supportive group of friends. sports and exercise has always been something i felt super self conscious about. i was very much a perfectionist growing up, and sports were something i was never very good at. plus with the added layer of disliking being perceived, i have had no desire to want to engage in those spaces. as an adult, i care less about being good at everything (thank god). now i am wanting to get stronger. i want to do things that feel good in my physical form, and i want to have fun doing them with friends! i don't have to be good at them, i am just happy i finally want to be there.

saturday i went thrift shopping and bought clothes that expose more of my body than i normally wear. ie. the cunty dress, iykyk. and i am so excited to wear these! it feels exhilarating to want to wear clothes like this. i am taking steps towards feeling less anxious and afraid of people seeing me. taking up space. another reason i am looking forward to the warm weather. i love tank tops i love shirts i can show off my tattoos in.

speaking of tattoos, i got a new one yesterday and i am in loooove. always a fun new burst of confidence and energy i get when i have fun new ink. i love being a tattooed person. i went to amari aka @cryinglightningtattoo on instagram!! she was so awesome and great to work with, check out her stuff and book with her!! tattoos were one of the first things i was able to do for myself and my body that made me feel like me and like i belonged in my meat suit. having tattoos feels gender affirming. i get to decorate myself however i choose. i get to look down at my skin and remember what it was like to be me at certain times of my life. how fun that we get to do this as human beings!

anyway. thanks for reading if you did. love you forever bb<3

march.6.2026

some times i enter food eras were i cannot stand a certain texture of food. this time of my life is not one of those. the types of food that usually fall under this category is greek yogurt, hummus, peanut butter, oatmeal, bananas, sometimes applesauce, and maybe others i cannot think of rn. what would you describe this category of food as? kinda sorta slimy but not really? gritty? who knows. i would say over winter i could not stand the ideas of most of these foods. but today i had yogurt with strawberries and cereal for work breakfast and hummus and pita chips as a snack for the first time in months and oh my lord. i was licking up the rest of the hummus off the knife i was using, i couldn't get enough. one time like 4 years ago i just ate a spoonful of hummus. i texted an ex-friend this when it happened and they were like "bro wtf. get help" but sometimes you just need some hummus with a spoon.

last night my friend E and i got ice cream at a place that used to be in walking distance of our high school. E and i have reconnected recently. i am an extremely nostalgic person (sometimes to a fault), but this felt like good nostalgia. we are rebuilding our relationship into something new, but familiar, since we are adults now that have spent so much time learning and growing into ourselves since we last spoke. this is something that is bringing me a lot of joy in my life right now. i'm glad we get to make new memories over the ice cream of our youth together.

as mentioned yesterday i am going to be cooking and eating dinner with dykedrafts tn. we are going to make charro beans, rice, and carne asada (and have margs tehe) and i am so thrilled. i got to enjoy this spread of food they made with them last summer when i first met them! excited to learn the tricks of their trade. especially since wynn is quite knowledgeable about cooking, i believe this will very much elevate the normal having dinner experience. i love food nostalgia. food is tied to memory. food is tied to people and places.

i think getting to share a meal with someone you love is one of the greatest gifts we have in this life. getting to cook food for someone is one of the purest forms of affection i think. something primal about it. like yes i will provide for you baby don't even worry about it.

anyways that's all for now. kisses!

march.5.2026

on the precipice of my favorite time of year, spring time. the daylight will soon be saving. days getting longer soon can i get a hell yeah. currently plotting and scheming about how i will decorate my desk area. need to just print off a dozen photos of my cat so everyone knows who i do it all for.

seeing new old friend for ice cream tn. very excited. tmrw dykedrafts and i will be cooking dinner together and i am so unbelievably pumped. they are my favorite kitchen wizard and i am excited to cook some beans

anyways. my boss saw me typing this as she was giving me a task. oops! she was cool about it tho

march.3.2026

first flounder from the new job! don't have my own office but rather a desk in an open space surrounded by other people's offices. sounds very boring but is new for me. dual monitor and everything! still sort of figuring out what my actual tasks will look like but will be learning more of that tomorrow! everyone has been really nice so far and the building is very cute and clean. excited to get more of the people i will work with as well as the students. wish me luck in my office job era.

feb.19.2026

feel like i am on the precipice of a very “any pronouns” time of my life. they / them still bestie tho. that will always be delicious. but she/her? kinda cunty given the proper contexts…and i can be he/him if ur feeling freaky. feeling like a man and woman and nothing and everything. upped T dose doing its thing.

i saw a post on tumblr this morning that was like “it’s literally all about the primary public gender and a secondary personal gender” and it is really resonating with me today.

also starting to feel a little sad about leaving my job. i am ready for this new part of my life, and grateful and happy i have gotten to know my clients over the past year and a half. they are truly wonderful, perceptive, funny and beautiful people. i am sad to leave them, esp after yesterday. i have been able to learn a lot about myself through them. three more shifts. i definitely would come back to this kind of work, which is a nice feeling.

love u!

feb.12.2026

been reading some very lesbian books recently that have me thinking about how i give/receive love a lot. i just think i like noticing little things about a person and their intricacies and telling them. i think i crave a lover to do so with me. i am currently reading written on the body by jeannette winterson and the way she describes every part of her lover has me swooning. the structure of her fascial bones, the way her body curves, everything about her senses. touch, taste, sight, sound, all of it. it’s very compelling to me. i think we all just want to be seen. jeannette you sly dog.

feb.3.2026

anger is such a weird emotion. like what do i even do with this dawg. cope? talk about it?uhghhghhh i guuuuesss. i always think about my parents when it comes to anger. when my mom was angry she would give the silent treatment for some indeterminate amount of time (sometimes for like full weeks which is so bonkers) and my dad can be very explosive at the drop of a hat. like the littlest things would set him off and it can be hard to know what version of him you are getting. i don’t want to be like my parents in regards of anger. but how do i be me? i don’t even mean like “oh i fell down the stairs and feel dumb” angry but like, i have been hurt by someone i trust angry. even when it’s unintentional, it’s always harder to deal with. i guess that’s worth figuring out. good thing therapy today.

jan.29.2026

had a panic attack yesterday for the first time in i don’t know how long. threw my off for the rest of the day. what the freak. >:(

bigassbug doing angel work in reminding me to be graceful with myself during my life rn. i am very off balance. two big things in my life that gave me a lot of stability i no longer have in the ways i once did (job and relationship). it is hard being in a transitional period of changing those and finding new ways to feel stable. i feel like I've never really learned how to self soothe independently. i think i have always depended on romantic relationships to fill that role for me. now that this is something i no longer have right now, i am having a hard time dealing with how big and stressful and generally anxiety inducing my life is. i am grateful to friends who listen well and are welcome distractions.

also remembering that the way my anxiety/adhd intersect makes for a deadly combo of hyperfocusing on the feeling that is making me anxious. thus ensuing in a spiral of negative self talk and making me feel like a prisoner of my own brain. i have been on my phone too much to distract from this feeling, but that is also frying my brain. i’m not sure what the right thing to do is. something to ask my therapist

i have an ideal vision for what my medium term future looks like. it looks different than what i’ve let my life look like before. i think and hope it will be good. i just have to wait for many different things to be ready. i must be patient, especially with myself.

sylvie also lowkey saving my life rn. love that freaking cat. i think being home so much due to snow is also making my big feelings more intense, but i am so thankful to the universe that i get to have her as a cat. recently ive been like “i gotta be more like sylvie” like. be so unapologetically myself. top priorities are food and cuddles. play!! nap!! scream!! find joy in little things. let my loved ones know i love them.

speaking of, i love you. thank you. we will get through this winter.

jan.27.2026

job interview today! wish me luck! RAAHHH. opening up my career pussy or whatever it was that dykedrafts said to me the other day

interview went okay i think! i love thinking of better responses to questions as im walking back to my car…oh well. time to crash

realizing the things i do that stem from my autism goes hand in hand with thoughts of “oh right, i am my fathers child” which is always silly, shout out edmund. miss that guy. he’s not gone or anything i just wanna hang out with him

friendship today wonderful. who wants to hang out at my house one on one and half the time we are talking about what my cat is currently doing/our pets in general? serious inquiries only plz & thx

jan.23.2026

have not wanted to do anything all day. i have been just scrolling on my phone in bed all day which is so stinky. longest week ever. i want to feel normal again. i’m not sure if i even know what that means for me right now. looking back at my journals i realize i have talked a lot about wanting to be “normal” and i feel like i need a new word. it feels like a feeling i’m always chasing but can never pin down. i think i more so mean i want to feel like myself, or that i want to be happy. i want to feel excited about life.

seeing movie with pal tn. that will be awesome. i need to get cat food before snow storm. i feel simultaneously antsy to be doing things but also don't want to do anything? idk. no new thoughts. i just need to get out of bed.

jan.21.2026

thinking about the lucy dacus song limerence during this time of my life. specifically the lines

If I stay busy, maybe I'll forget how I feel

And go on living life as I planned it

So bring on the parties, I wanna go dancing

My arm 'round the waist of a friendly acquaintance

i listened to this song a lot last year when a similar situation was happening. so many circles. trying to be busy and social. it aches but grief is just love persevering, right? i know it won’t be this way forever. i need to let it ache and acknowledge that it does so i can heal it properly.

love u. anyone who reads this. yes, you too

jan.20.2026

driving home from therapy i on a whim started listening to the playlist i made as a teenager exclusive full of songs from musicals. in a way that is totally not cringe and annoying, i am having the time of my life. very happy about this.

making breakfast for dinner. our heat is back!! didn’t have bath last night bc too cold, tonight i think will be bath night.

jan.19.2026

longest day ever. unsure of pinball tn. feeling the call of making soup and taking a bath (eating soup and then becoming soup)

soup has been made and shared with roommate while sharing my soul. no pinball tn. time to become soup (take an epsom salt bath) and try and stay warm because our heat is still broken

the only way out is through.

jan.11.2026

i have a job interview at the end of this month! very exciting stuff:) tonight after work i’m gonna go see Hamnet at chase park plaza cinema and i am already thinking of getting myself clementines after. been trying to “date myself” more and it’s actually been very delightful.

jan.10.2026

feeling caught in a strange in between time of my life where i can’t go back to the way things were before, but the way forward seems murky and blurry. like i am staring into a lake, i can only see so far in front of me before it all just becomes so uncertain. i can’t see my feet, barely my own hands in front of me. what is at the bottom of this? is it worth going deeper? will i still enjoy swimming here even if i can’t see whats ahead of me. but i have to trust myself with this feeling, because despite the mess, i do love the water. i love to swim, feeling it surround me and wash over me is grounding in its own way. i have always loved water and swimming, whether or not i could see my feet. does that make sense? i am always asking if i make sense. i guess i cannot always swim in crystal clear pools. i mean i could, but what’s the fun in swimming in the same pool all the time. just because it is murky, does not mean it is bad.

jan.4.2026

been mostly pen and paper journaling recently, which has been really nice. two of my friends and i are doing 2026 bingo cards and on one of the spots i’m gonna put down is writing something every day. even if it is small, even if it’s just a flound. i think i can keep up with this.

feel like im coasting. not a bad thing by any means. thinking about who i am and who i want to be. whatever that means

dec.22.2025

bigassbug and sylvie and i spent 5-10 minutes looking at a possum outside our window. possum and sylvie were twins tbh. now i am procrastinating packing for dallas. feeling excited and nervous, as to be expected. we have to wake up at 3am tomorrow *sob* so most likely no pinny b for me tn. i hope all pinballers have a wonderful and gay yuletide.

it still feels strange trying to be normal rn. a lot of my perpetual physical anxiety has come back and is having a hard time leaving after certain recent life events occurring. those issues have been solved for the most part now, and i am trying to be gentle and kind to myself. it feels like my body is not catching up with my mind, and my emotion brain isn’t working with my logic brain. i have some returning of gi issues and the aching feeling in my chest is still present. i am hoping with time and healing and learning to trust myself more, these physical feelings will go away. but it is hard to say. rn it feels uncertain if it ever will, but i want to take the steps.

fear of change is throwing its hammer down on me. i want to embrace it, but i love stability that my current life also offers. it feels akin to some things that punkreflex and batfaced have described in their journals recently. i really relate to it. i especially have a hard time when people i’m close to begin to change, especially if it feels like it all comes at once. i know it is out of my control tho. change will happen and the time will go by anyway, which has been a comforting thing to remember when i start to feel super spirally. i also worry on being “left behind” (which dykedrafts says i need to remove from my vocabulary, which they are 100% correct about) but it is scary to think about where do i “fit” anymore in someone’s life when seemingly “so much” with them has changed. and, like with anyone, there are people in my past that i miss that i don’t speak to anymore because of something that changed, with them or with me. but that’s the thing, i have also changed. i do not consider myself a spiritual person, but in a way learning to let change occur and finding comfort in the fact that it is “happening for a reason” feels like a very divine concept that i can get down with. change is a neutral thing. it is happening around us constantly. these are things i need to remember. with the solstice yesterday, we now go through the change from days getting shorter to them getting longer again. how about that. nature changes constantly and so do i.

thanks for reading. i love you if you do

dec.19.2025

beginning to apply to other jobs. it all sucks. but i could be somewhere that sucks less, and is also closer to home. let’s hope this will help.

dec.15.2025

i don’t know how credible the idea of love languages are but i have heard, somewhere sometime ago, that when we are not doing well we tend to act against our ideal way to receive love. like por ejemplo i am a quality time and words of affirmation bitch to my core. and when i go into a worse dip in my depression i tend to self isolate and use a lot of negative self talk against myself. when those two go together i feel like a prisoner of my own brain. i desperately have wanted to break out of this for some time, but keep feeling stuck.

i feel like ive been having a mild constant anxiety attack every moment ive been awake for the past week. i feel it in my chest and in my throat. like there is an unwelcome creature hibernating above my diaphragm and it’s pissing and shitting everywhere and then getting mad at me for not cleaning it up. like bitch i didn’t even invite you here in the first place. there is a lump in my throat that wants to escape every time i speak. i want to scream out and free it. i look forward to the day these feelings move on. for now i think i have to hold them and cradle them like a baby bird and go “shh shh, we are safe now, here is a worm”

my childhood best friend who is studying abroad in Kazakhstan right now sent me a voice memo on whatsapp yesterday morning. she said she misses hearing my voice. they have also been going through it and have also been isolating. us<3 but i think we are cosmically connected bc they sent that message at a time that i really needed to hear it. i sent them a five minute voice memo about my life and will send more when i can so they can have ami podcast. we have been talking recently about how when they get back they will be in st. louis for at least the next year, which will be the longest we’ve lived in the same place in almost 5 years. i am so over joyed for this. they are seeking my help with having community in st. louis and i want to do my best to help them have that. so 2026 when im bringing maeve to Everything stl flounderers welcome them with open arms bc they are so genuine and funny and smart.

thank you for being here. love u

dec.13.2025

this morning i woke up at 3:30 and could not fall back asleep due to some anxiety about my life situation. at a crossroads where great change needs to happen and i’m so terrified. i want to be good. all i have ever wanted to be was good. i do not have to be good. i am all that i am.

i had to get up for work by 5:30 so after resigning myself to not being able to sleep more i rose just before 5 and took a morning shower. it’s been hard to want to wash my hair recently, but today i did it. small win. i ate some cereal and drank some tea but felt too nauseous to have too much. i sat in the sunroom (more like moonroom since it was still so dark) and read a bit, being very intentional about not going on my phone. i pet my cat. i got ready for work

i said goodbye to my sweetheart in my bed and i left for work. i have been listening the the band Tortoise recently bc i have craved new music but songs with words have felt like too much. i really like them. i cried while driving, feeling overwhelmed. i kept saying i wish i could cry while on T, and that has been catching up to me these past few days. careful what you wish for.

i hope it’s all worth it. god i hope so. i just want to feel like myself. i want to be big bright and beautiful. i want to feel whole. i can get through hard things.

dec.12.2025

i will be okay

i will be okay

i will be okay

i have to try

fuck

dec.10.2025

seasonal depression kicking my ass this december. doesn’t help that me from 2 months ago thought it would be a good idea to pick up a punch of shifts at work this month in preparation for going out of town to dallas for Christmas. i am nervous for that trip bc we are visiting arielatthewheels family and i have only met them once a few months ago, but i think it will be a good trip overall. they are lovely people and it is fun seeing the elements of someone you love in their family. necesito practicar mi español, pero estoy emocionada(o?) (lo siento latinos de flounder)

starting to debate possibly pursuing medication for my mental health. i currently take buspirone for anxiety and it works but i just feel so numb all the time, unrelated to that med. i feel like since i graduated high school i have just been kind of floating through space and nothing truly excites me for more than the moment it happens. i guess that’s the case for a lot of people since our society and The Phone makes us prone to depression and anxiety, so my brain is like welp this is just how it is you just have to deal with it. you can’t change it even if you try. but that’s very doomer of me, i guess i do deserve to feel content in the life i live even if there are elements outside my control that make it so freaking hard.

one thing i want to try to pursue next year is doing theatre related things. i was very involved in tech theatre in high school and i loved it so much. it was a space i got a lot of creative and social fulfillment, which are areas i have felt so unsatisfied in since leaving that space after hs. i went to stlcc for a semester after graduating but for some reason didn’t try to be apart of their theatre group. i realistically could have, but for some reason felt like my time was done and i needed to focus on other things. i think i was also afraid of it not feeling the same as it used to. if i knew what i knew now id go back in time and shake 19 year old ami and say STOP THINKING AND JUST DO IT. but i cant do that. so now im gonna try and shake that into current 23 year old ami.

i am ready for this year to be over. i know new years is arbitrary but i cant deny that it does excite me. new year same me but with maybe a renewed sense of getting my shit together. idk stay tuned in to find out!

dec.7.2025

this evening i went to pipers by myself and journaled in my physical notebook. much needed as i have been feeling strange and off all day. then afterwards i was like hmm hunger and i tried the pizza place on the same block and it was so cool decorated for christmas! ended up having a sit down dinner by myself, which i don’t remember the last time i’ve done. i had a slice of pizza and a cesar salad and a cider (brick river my beloved). i also read a lot of the book ive been reading, the emperor of gladness by ocean vuong. i haven’t finished it yet but i would already highly recommend it! i finally got around to reading on earth we’re briefly gorgeous this earlier year, and i think i may be liking emperor a bit more. i was sitting next to two people on a date watching the hockey game and the guy was explaining hockey and how players get picked to his date and it reminded me of some of the firsts dates i had with gf and she was explaining racing to me. ariel be at the wheel :) after a while i walked home in the cold, slightly warm and fuzzy from the alcohol. i got home and folded my laundry while watching a movie that i wasn’t really paying attention to. still feeling strange, but i think that is just some sunday scaries and life uncertainties creeping up on me. i’m glad i took the time to get myself out of the house and home some quality alone time:)

dec.5.2025

realized this morning before leaving for work that sylvie had No Food and i felt so terrible:( to clarify she has an automatic feeder and the container that holds the food is not clear, so it’s hard to remember she doesn’t have infinite food. like oh wait i still have to buy that to replenish the stock. the robot is convenient but the human (me) still needs to do the work to keep it functioning. something about that….

anyway at the pet store buying food i got into a convo with a fun older lady about our cats. apparently she has four cats and one of them is a mainecoon that’s 2y/o and 25lbs. she showed me a picture and i was like that’s one big baby! then i almost bought sylvie a christmas toy but they were weirdly expensive?

there are two wolves inside me: one wants to not over consume/over spend, and the other wants to have a silly trinket. i fight this battle at least weekly. especially hard around the holidays. gf and i have had many conversations about consumption and gift giving and i still sometimes don’t know where i land. if i had more time and spoons (and money) i would make everyone gifts. i beat myself for not having these things sometimes. but i know thats not fair or realistic to expect of myself. idk christmas is hard.

roomie put up xmas decorations yesterday and for some reason when i saw them initially when i got home my first reaction was being upset? tbf i had a lot going on yesterday and little things were setting off my mad meter. i think i more so was just envious that they had more time and energy to make our apartment look fun and festive, and that they get excited about Christmas. i do not get very excited around Christmas, even tho i wish i did. i am happy i live with someone holly jolly and wants to make our own holiday traditions and make our home so beautiful. i wish i had more to contribute. thank you bigsantabug.

anyways that’s all for now, thanks for reading :)

dec.3.2025

got so extremely overstimulated for the first time since autism diagnosis and i felt thrown into such a weird funk bc of it that i hadn’t experienced before. like yes i would get overstimulated before, but it was easy to ignore? now i cannot do that. i knew this would happen tho. knowing why more why my brain works the way it does opens a door that is impossible to close now. it’s difficult ,but feels worth it to go through. i am learning how to advocate more for my needs. this has always been difficult for me, and something i have struggled with a lot particularly pre diagnosis. like getting so mad and angry at myself for just not feeling like i could be “normal” and say what was on my mind. like my brain was putting tape over my mouth any time i tried to even think about it. i feel better equipped to slap the tape out of my brain hand now.

also i love grocery shopping. i feel like that is definitely not the popular opinion, but something about it is so exciting to me. getting to pick out the food i get to eat. browsing new items in the aisles. trying to get the best deals on things. food and grocery shopping was always stressful living at my parents home just because i felt like i had no say or control in the food we had since my dad was the person who did the shopping and cooking. it has been something that’s brought me a lot of joy ever since i moved out last year. yes it is still a task, but i feel so accomplished and proud of myself after.

lasagna in the oven now. going to arkadin later to watch night on earth, which is one of my favorites. i first watched it with my bestie (m) like 5 years ago and it was the movie that got me interested in watching movies as a hobby. can’t wait to see winona ryder drive a taxi.

dec.2.2025

seeing an old friend today! very excited. will have to trudge through the snow but thankfully the coffee shop is near my house. (n) was someone i was friends with when i was best friends with a very complex person, (t). when i was younger and engrossed by (t) i was not always a good friend to other people, including (n). i would like to be a better friend to (n) now that we’re both a little older and don’t talk to (t) anymore. it has been fun to even just text them again. i’m excited for our catch up and yap.

trying to feel normal using flounder again and not just being a lurker (hello everyone i still read ur flounds). i have a weird relationship with writing anything that will have the potential to be seen by anyone, and also anything that feels like social media, so flounder can feel kind of strange for me. but i always feel inspired after reading my friends blogs, so why not. anyways, have a good day flounderers!

pt.2 - hangout with (n) was really nice! he has a very calming creative presence that is inspiring to me. i want to spend the rest of the day relaxing and doing something to fulfill my creative needs. i also told them of flounder so hi if u see this! i had a great time today:-) time to do one million loads of laundry